FLUID RESTRICTION REGIME

                              

One day in King Size hospital a man was told by the doctor that he was to be restricted to only one drop of water each day, hardly enough to have a drink, this meant that he couldn’t have tea or any drink, only one drop of water from the tap and that was that. When the time came for him to have his antibiotics he had to use his own saliva to down his pills for a glass of water was forbidden. This wasn’t the only thing he also wasn’t allowed any fruit because it contains water. Even gravy was forbidden on his dinner because it’s made up of water. He also had to be careful when he had a wash because water could get into his mouth and make him dangerously ill.

To make life easy for the patient Bernard Soap he was put onto a sand drip. Sand was dripped into his vein. The doctor Dr. Toenails also put him onto an aquarium drip, a drip in which fish are placed into the drip bags on the drip post.

Blood test after blood test was given in which the results showed up dangerous blood men lurking about in his body. These vicious little creatures were caused by a dangerously low sodium level. This encouraged blood men to hatch out from blood vessels in his body. To flush out the pests lurking inside him he was put on a shampoo drip by Dr. Wrong, the chief consultant haematologist. In no time at all the nasty little blood men were killed and in four hours the patient made such a rapid recovery that he was allowed a glass of water but only if a load of matches were dropped in it. This was to make it safe to drink until his sodium level was corrected, but the best way to get enough sodium into him was to wire a sodium lamp to his body. This did the drink but encouraged the group of tumours resembling human figures so he needed surgery. His head had to be taken off and washed to make it pure and was fitted with a radio attached to his lungs for the music could cure his chest infection and five seconds later he was discharged from hospital.

FISH IN THE TOILET BOWL

One day a man went into the toilet only to discover that fish were swimming in the toilet bowl. The fish came from the River Ug down below. This river flowed upwards and led into the Thames at Barking Creek.   Because of this the man had to wait until all the fish had flowed down back into the River Ug.

The River ug was a river that ran for 20 miles.   

THE MAN WHO WAS LATE FOR HIS DAY CENTRE

A man who attended his local day centre turned up ten hours late, only to find it closed. In fact he was so slow that it often took him three hours to eat a banana and five days to have a bath. Because of this he had no time for a meal, and if he did eat he would spend two days just to polish off a plateful of grub.

Quite often in the day centre the staff would have to throw his dinner away even when he was about to start for they wouldn’t stand for it because he was far too slow.

And: ‘ when it came to the toilet he took so long that he wouldn’t let anyone else it so they had to use the garden as a toilet. This would often lead to complaints from residents nearby.

THE GIANT BANANA

One day a whacking great big banana invaded Ilford bringing terror. It was a man eater and ate loads of people. All hell broke loose with people fleeing fro their lives. In fact one man was so frightened that he bore a hole with his head on the ground and disappeared into a hidden tunnel. Meanwhile, just above ground the monster banana went on the rampage flattening loads of shops burying loads of shoppers and staff alike. The carnage it left behind was tremendous. It was like a battlefield. Buses shot like lightening down the road in a frantic effort to escape the killer banana. In fact they went so fast that it’s not surprising that loads of buses crashed. This gave the chance for the banana to have a feast on the people who couldn’t escape. But help was at hand for loads of police helicopters appeared and sprayed bullets onto the ground below killing the banana instantly.

The man who sought safety in a hidden tunnel beneath the ground now came out of his hiding place.

Because of the trail of destruction that the banana had left behind the Ilford residents had to be evacuated to a safe town up in the sky, Cloudham. This was a town that could just about fit as many as two million people even though it was only two feet wide.

The town of Cloudham got its name because it was right inside a cloud.

THE DICTATORIAL WORKSHOP

Once upon a time there was a factory ruled by a brutal boss who forbade people to go to the toilet during work hours. Even lunch break was forbidden. People had to work whilst they were busy eating. Food was delivered by a cannon installed on the ceiling. At lunchtime this cannon would be filled up with grub. The trigger would then be pulled and the cannon would shoot grub into peoples’ mouths.

Because you weren’t allowed to visit the toilet during work hours it’s no wonder that people had accidents in their clothes. This created a terrible pong. The smell was so overpowering that the boss had to spray the entire workshop with antibiotic spray.

A lot of workers tried to take the law into their own hands but were stopped by a soldier who happened to be on duty in the factory. The perpetrators were sent to prison for ten years for crimes against the factory boss.

THE BOY WHO HAD HIS WEEKEND LEAVE STOPPED

                                                 

                                       

Once upon a time a boy called Clive peck was told by the headmaster that his parents would come and collect him at 6.30 pm.

It was to be Clive peck’s first Weekend leave at Dunton House School, a boarding school near Football, Essex. But, at 4.30 that Friday afternoon Clive peck deliberately made his way home, defying the headmaster’s orders to remain at boarding school ous

 Until his parents arrived to take him home.

So the rule breaker got clean away.

By the time Clive’s parents arrived at the school they found their son missing so they called the headmaster to go and look for him.

“I’m going to send out a search party to go and look for him in the school grounds. It’ll be made up of pupils and teaching staff. In conducting the search we’ll be given torches because it’s so dark outside.

“Whilst the boys are searching the grounds said the headmaster the teachers and me will search the school building. If the missing boy’s not found there’ll be trouble, I’m not standing for all this nonsense. If I catch that brat I’ll stop his weekend leave for the rest of the term.”

So the headmaster and the teachers searched the school building with the teachers but could find no trace of the missing boy. The same thing happened with the search party. They too could find no trace of the missing boy.

If that brat’s not found said the head there will be right trouble. I’m going to phone up the police to see if they can find Clive peck. They’ll search around Dunton House with specially trained  dogs to see if they can find Clive peck.

Meanwhile, Clive’s parents started to make their way home without their son. When they got home they got a nasty shock for sitting in the lounge was their son.

“Where have you been Clive? We’ve been looking for you. We got all worked up all because of you.

“I made my way home said Clive peck.

“To bed you go you perisher  said Clive’s dad.

“But I’ve got have my supper, I can’t go to bed without my supper.

“You aint getting any supper shouted Clive’s dad.”

In a temper Mr Peck, Clive’s dad threw a book at his son.

Soon after the boy was sent to bed his parents rang the boarding school and said, ‘we’ve found our son, he’s at home.

The police scouring the area for Clive peck gave up the search when they could find no trace of him so they rushed into the school building and told the headmaster that they can’t find any trace of him.

“He’s at home said the headmaster because his parents rang me up. When he comes back Sunday he’ll get what for.

When Sunday came Clive said,  ‘I don’t want to  go back, as  his father pulled at him to drag him out of the house when the time came for him to return to the boarding school after the weekend was up.

“Do as you’re told my lad, you’re going back to Boarding School whether you like it or not.”

The screaming boy was dragged out of the house and taken back to boarding school by train. And, ‘what a commotion he raised. He was screaming shouting, crying and bawling his head off. Everybody was looking at him because he was acting just like baby.

Clive hadn’t stopped crying even on the return journey. He just went on and on without a stop.

Eventually, still crying screaming and bawling Clive Peck returned to Dunton House School.

The boy acting like a baby was dragged into the entrance hall where his father told Mr Little ,the deputy headmaster about Clive Peck’s behaviour when he defied the head’s orders to remain in the school building until his parents came to collect him.

“Right, said the Mr Little Clive’s not going home on weekend leave anymore until the next term.

Even whilst Clive’s dad was talking to the deputy head Clive was still raising a commotion. The teacher told him to shut up but he just went on and on without a stop. Just as Clive Peck’s father was about to leave at the front entrance Clive tried to escape but was held back by the teacher.

“To bed you go bad boy said the teacher.”

Clive was sent to bed but allowed down for supper. After this he went back to bed.

For his punishment the boy had his weekend leave stopped for the rest of the term.

                   

SHOPPING LIST

One day a man went shopping in TESCO. He had a shopping list with him. He went to buy a number of items including black lettuce and prickly bananas.

Here is the man’s shopping list

1.      Black Lettuce

2.      Prickly apples

3.      Roast bananas

4.      Rotten Eggs

5.      Toothpaste with sugar added

6.      Screwcumbers

7.      Bee Stew and Ducklings

8.      Flea Pudding

9.      Cake with nails

10.  Snail clippers

11.  Plate recorder

12.  Double fronted television

13.  Radio with beard

14.  Stink bomb potatoes

This was the shopper’s entire shopping List. He shopped with his carer, John Tongue.

In one part of TESCO stood a bottle of milk with bits of hair in side it.

FREEDOM PASS

                      

One day a man was using his freedom pass, when all of a sudden a bird swooped down and grabbed it out of his hand, so he thought up a plan.

Why not use your nose as a bus pass.

The passenger tried to press his nose on the oyster card machine but the driver said:

“Hey you, get off the bus, you put your nose on the ticket machine. You use your bus pass, not your nose.”

In revenge the man took his head off and threw it at the driver. The driver took revenge, grabbed hold of the man and chucked him through the window. He landed headfirst on the pavement. In fact he went right through the pavement and went right down into the sewer. The bus driver even went too far and sent a mad dog into the hole in the ground. The dog went down into the sewer and grabbed the man. He then brought him up where the driver broke the man in two and chucked the two halves up into the sky. The two half men went their own separate ways.

Even odder things happened. The man’s head flew off his body and down where it went, ‘smack, into the bus. The head, minus its owner, boarded the bus by itself and pulled the driver’s head off. The two human heads ended up having a fight right in front of astonished passengers. Even though the heads had no bodies attached to them that didn’t stop them from fighting.

One of the passengers caught such a fright that his chest started to grow a tree. The man with a tree sticking out of his chest tried to get out of the way but the tree made it impossible.

All of a sudden the bus driver’s arms fell off as he tried to steer the bus and the bus went mad. It went up a drainpipe and went right through a window, landing in the living room

BARBERSHOP NEWS

One day a man whose hair was five feet too long went to the nearest barber. “This barber used unusual methods like using blow lamps to burn off excess hair and taking off the customer’s head so to make the job easier.

‘The hair cut was done by removing the man’s head so the barber could get on with his job. This ingenious method removed the need for the barber to tell the man to keep still whilst he carried on with his job. ‘Once the haircut was done the head was re – attached to the man’s body.

‘Throughout the period when the haircut was being carried out the man had to be content with remaining headless so the barber could cut the hair from the head whilst it was without its ‘owner.